Unleashing the Healing Power of Anger
"What an asshole! That was really mean." I told her over the phone.
As my back stiffens in fight mode, I couldn't help but exclaim these words. Expressing anger for her.
She experienced hurt and humiliation at the hands of a friend.
"Did you let her know how much it hurt? Did you assert your boundaries? Did you hold her accountable? Did you allow yourself to feel anger?" I asked.
"I don't have the anger gene," she replied.
Oh, the countless times I've heard women claim they never get angry. If only I had a coin for each one, I'd be wealthy.
That's why I'm writing this article—to tell you, my dear, that you do carry the anger gene within you. We all do.
The anger gene
However, somewhere along the way, you may have learned that expressing or even acknowledging anger is not acceptable. Perhaps you've become so skilled at suppressing it that it has transformed into other emotions—a palette of depression, numbness, passiveness, lethargy, or sadness.
If your anger had no outlet during your childhood, no safe space for expression, you might even blame yourself for feeling this emotion. It's possible that you isolate yourself, believing you burden others with your anger or depression.
The Suppression Paradox
You may have trained yourself to bypass anger altogether, opting for immediate compassion, forgiveness, or cutting the person out of your life without engaging in a confrontational conversation.
The truth is, anger has been branded as a bad emotion within your upbringing or lineage, and you still carry the lingering effects of that division. Raised to be nothing but "good," you've become inclined to quickly bypass or suppress any anger within yourself.
In our society, there is tremendous pressure on children to become "good boys" and "good girls," to be compliant and obedient. Look at the Western school systems we've designed—environments that mold children to fit in, where the expression of "disturbing" emotions is swiftly shut down.
Reason why you struggle to express anger
If you struggle to express anger, it's likely because you had a parent or main caretaker who couldn't handle their own anger and, as a result, stifled your expression as well. You learned that not becoming angry was the most loving thing you could do for others. Not becoming angry meant you were not burdening them.
Alternatively, you may have had a parent who exhibited violent or unpredictable outbursts of anger, leading you to internalize anger as something inherently bad, something you never wanted to inflict upon others.
Embracing the Unity of Anger and Love
Allow me to tell you that the opposite is true. Denying your anger is a disservice to both yourself and others. By neglecting this vital part of yourself, you withhold aspects that deserve love and acceptance from others. Expressing anger is not an act of aggression, but a bridge to understanding, healing, and authentic connection.
If you believe you don't possess the anger gene, you may have mistakenly equated anger with aggression and hostility. You've labeled anger as the antithesis of love. However, in a healthy and loving relationship, anger deserves a seat at the table. You need the space to express your anger, upset, and grievances. Room for your anger to be heard and acknowledged.
The Key to Emotional Maturity and Balanced Relationships
Part of emotional maturity is transcending the simplistic view of categorizing everything as either "good" or "bad." While a child may perceive love through this lens, they cannot comprehend that a loving caretaker can also experience anger. An emotionally mature adult acknowledges the complexity of duality, recognizing that life is a mixture of both positive and negative elements. Embracing this complexity is essential for understanding love fully.
Interestingly, this childlike tendency to label things as strictly "good" or "bad" is also present in spirituality and religion. It's as if one can only be possessed by the devil or be a child of God, with no middle ground. There's no recognition of the in-between stages, where enlightenment and love coexist with ongoing growth and the exploration of "low" vibrations.
An emotionally mature adult can experience anger and love simultaneously for a loved one. They can feel compassion for someone's flaws and the reasons behind their behavior while still holding them accountable for their actions. They can love deeply and establish healthy boundaries, recognizing that all these aspects are integral to a loving and emotionally mature relationship.
Anger, like a brushstroke on a canvas, can be a powerful expression of your inner truth; paint your emotions boldly.
5 tips to Embrace Your Anger Gene for Deeper Intimacy and Self-Expression
Create a Safe Space to embrace anger as your friend
On a mental level you can open up to the notion that anger is your ally. Anger is good. Maybe better: it’s a neutral emotion. You might start with the notion that anger is part of your life force. You can start to set the intention to become friends with anger.
Sit with Anger
When you are ready you can start to sit with your anger. Give expression to it even for a few minutes. Breathe with it. Move with it. Dance with it. Sing with it. Paint with it. Notice when you dissociate or deny it in yourself. Bring compassion to you moving away from feeling it. Allow it time. Allow it compassion. You might move to punching a pillow. Or try screaming in your car. Find space to give expression to anger without it hurting other people.
A beautiful place to expres your anger in a very safe space is Sacred Fire. Our a 1-day retreat for deep exploration and expression of this powerful emotion. Liberating your life force and the power of anger.Explore the Root Cause
Uncover the root cause of your anger by delving into its origins. Seek support from therapists or healing practitioners who can guide you through this exploration. Understand the influence of your upbringing and lineage on your relationship with anger. A beautiful place to explore this and heal the root cause is in my 1:1 containers.Integration and Transformation: Transform anger into a positive force in your life. Embrace its drive, love, and protection. Find ways to channel anger into creative outlets, such as art, speech, or spoken word, and use it to propel yourself towards your desires and passions.
Build Healthy Boundaries: Learn how anger can help you establish and maintain healthy boundaries. Discover the power of saying no, asserting your rights, and standing up for yourself. Use anger as a tool for self-protection and self-advocacy.